


Sandcastles

by Blackruby



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant to part way through 'His Last Vow', Cheating, Epistolary, Forgiveness, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, identity crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:20:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24443485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackruby/pseuds/Blackruby
Summary: Set during S3:E3 after the scene in Baker Street where Mary gives John the memory stick and Sherlock is taken back to hospital. Splits from canon at that point. Written as a series of text messages back and forth.John is really struggling emotionally, disappearing for time to think. Sherlock tries to help him via text from his hospital bed. One Shot.
Kudos: 7





	Sandcastles

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: Discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts.

**Where are you? Mrs Hudson said you didn’t**

**go back to Baker Street last night and you’ve**

**not visited me today. – SH** 15:05pm

**Shall I assume you are finally talking things**

**out with Mary? – SH** 15:12pm

**Mary hasn’t seen you either, nor Lestrade**

**or Molly. – SH** 16:22pm

**If you don’t respond then I’m going to**

**unleash Mycroft. – SH** 16:25pm

_I’m fine, I’m just doing some thinking._ 16:27pm

**About what? – SH** 16:27pm

_About how I’m sick of everything being my fault._ 16:29pm

**As I said before, you’re addicted to a**

**certain kind of lifestyle. – SH** 16:30pm

_Yeah, but I don’t want to be. Not anymore._ 16:31pm

_I’m not forgiving Mary, Sherlock, not happening._ 16:32pm

**For Heaven’s sake, John, I’ve forgiven**

**her and I’m the one she shot. – SH** 16:33pm

_Good for you, still doesn’t mean I have to._ 16:34pm

**What about the baby? Can’t you forgive**

**Mary for your child’s sake? – SH** 16:35pm

_The baby isn’t mine._ 16:35pm

**Don’t be ridiculous, of course it is.**

**Just because she’s lied about other**

**things doesn’t mean she’s been unfaithful. – SH** 16:37pm

_I’m a doctor, we were using protection._

_I suspected that she’d cheated when_

_you announced her pregnancy at the_

_wedding. She was on her hen night_

_around the conception date so it_

_was a one night stand, I’m guessing._

_You’d have told me about an ongoing affair._ 16:40pm

**Yes, I would have done. If you thought that then**

**why didn’t you confront her or something? – SH** 16:42pm

_I didn’t want one night to ruin our_

_entire relationship. So I said nothing_

_and decided to raise the baby as my own._ 16:43pm

**I’m sorry. That can’t have been an easy**

**decision to make. – SH** 16:45pm

_I was trying to protect the normal life_

_I thought I was building. Gp practice,_

_wife, kids, house, car. Should have known_

_I was just making sandcastles._ 16:48pm

**You aren’t made for that sort of life, John.**

**You need to accept that. – SH** 16:49pm

_You say that like it’s my only option._ 16:50pm

**It *is* the only option. The only logical**

**one anyway. Normal life suffocates you**

**and railing against what you actually need**

**is just making you miserable. – SH** 16:51pm

_Well, you’re right about one thing, at least._ 16:52pm

_I *am* miserable._ 16:52pm

_But accepting it isn’t my only option._ 16:53pm

**John. Don’t be stupid.** 16:53pm

**John, where are you?** 16:54pm

_I’m not in London. I needed space to think._ 16:55pm

**_Missed call from Sherlock_** 16:55pm

**_Missed call from Sherlock_ ** 16:56pm

**JOHN! Answer your phone!** 16:56pm

_No, you’d probably be able to deduce where_

_I am by bird song and traffic sounds. If you want to_

_talk to me, we do it this way. My way._ 16:58pm

**Fine. But if you stop answering then**

**I’m discharging myself to come find you**

**and you know what happened the last**

**time I absconded from hospital. – SH** 17:00pm

_Emotional manipulation is off the menu tonight._

_If you make the decision to leave and something_

_happens to you, then that’s your choice._

_I refuse to feel guilty for it._ 17:01pm

**I didn’t realise that events had affected**

**you this much, I’m sorry if you’ve felt**

**I’ve pushed you too far. Just, please,**

**don’t do anything rash. – SH** 17:03pm

_My best friend got shot by my wife, who is_

_pregnant with another man’s child. She is_

_also an intelligence agent who has_

_lied to me since the moment we met._

_But when I get angry about that, what do I get told?_

_That’s what you like._

_I do *not* like one word of that. But apparently that_

_doesn’t matter. Because it’s what I’m attracted to._ 17:05pm

**I can see that you’re struggling, John.**

**You’ve been through a lot in a short**

**space of time. But suicide isn’t the answer.**

**Please, come back. – SH** 17:06pm

_Then what is? I’m addicted but I don’t want to be._

_I try to live a normal life but just one_

_‘Could be dangerous.’ and there I am._

_Is there even a rehab for what is wrong with me?_ 17:08pm

**There’s nothing wrong with you. Trust me,**

**please? I’m still trying to find you, I see**

**you used your card to purchase train tickets. – SH** 17:10pm

_Yep, lots of train tickets. One for every line_

_heading out of King’s Cross when I left._

_My phone is also on extreme saver mode too,_

_no GPS tracking, just texts and calls._

_I’ve learnt a few things about how not to be found._ 17:13pm

**I’ll praise you for that in person if you**

**just come back. You can be tracked**

**via radio masts. – SH** 17:14pm

_Yes, but that takes time and the closest you’ll_

_get is a few hundred metres. Nothing_

_stopping me from moving on._ 17:16pm

**Don’t do this. Please. I’m begging you. – SH** 17:17pm

_I’m not trying to hurt you… and I haven’t_

_gone away with the intention_

_to kill myself. I really do need time to think._ 17:19pm

**Book in with your therapist. Or another one.**

**Identity struggles aren’t unheard of, there’s**

**support out there. – SH** 17:20pm

_Let’s say I did that. Saw someone and worked_

_through all this rubbish in my head. What if_

_I’m ‘cured’ of my adrenaline addiction?_

_Would you be able to accept that?_ 17:22pm

**Accept what? I don’t understand. – SH** 17:22PM

_What if I never went on another case after that?_

_What if normal wasn’t just what I wanted but_

_what I needed too? No craving danger, no finding_

_out everyone I know is a psychopath._

_Would you accept that?_ 17:25pm

**I’d prefer that to you dying, yes. – SH** 17:25pm

**I can’t say I understand why the fact**

**that you crave this lifestyle horrifies you.**

**But I recognise it does and this conflict**

**has brought you considerable mental distress.**

**I’ll admit that I would hope the outcome**

**of any therapy would be you making peace**

**with this part of yourself. But if the**

**opposite happened, then I’d miss you**

**but I’d understand. – SH** 17:28pm

_Ok, if I do this then I need you to promise_

_me that you’ll let the therapy run its course._

_No trying to blackmail and bully me with_

_adrenaline rushes or pointing out if I’m bored._

_You let me work out if the problem is who I am_

_or just how I feel about who I am. Can you do that?_ 17:30pm

**Yes. I promise. Just come back. - SH** 17:31pm

_Fine. I’m heading back to London._ 17:32pm

_I’m still not forgiving Mary. I forgave her for cheating._

_I can’t forgive her for hurting you,_

_even if she purposefully didn’t kill you._ 17:33pm

**If that’s your choice, I’ll respect it. - SH** 17:34pm

**Come to the hospital when you get back**

**to London. I need to see you. – SH** 17:35pm

_Sure. See you soon._ 17:36pm


End file.
